The Empty Seat

“But thou, O Lord, are a God full of compassion, and gracious, longsuffering, and plenteous in mercy and truth.” Psalms 88:15

Here in the United States, Mother’s Day will be celebrated the day after tomorrow, on Sunday. Any time we celebrate a role, some will celebrate, and some will mourn. Many of us have lost a mother, and so we mourn that loss, that empty seat, on Mother’s Day. If you still have your mom, please cherish her this Sunday, because the day will come when you don’t have her anymore.

But there are other types of bereavements remembered on Mother’s Day as well. Some of us have lost children, and so as we look around our table, sometimes we feel the loss of the one who used to be there. How terrible to lose a child that you have held in your arms! A dear couple we know has just lost their son in the prime of his life. A sudden illness stole him away during his strong years. The grief is overwhelming because it is untimely, but also because he was so well-loved by everyone who knew him, his wife and his children, too.

But even when you have never held that child, and have lost him or her through miscarriage–or even abortion–another kind of devastating loss tugs at your heart whenever the memory surfaces. Oh, the little kiss I never felt! This is a different kind of grief, because it is the loss of the unknown, the loss of expected love and joy.

I miscarried two children, and the first loss was my first child. They say it happens so often, but how does that ease the pain? It was an agonizing time of depression, and though I didn’t know Him well at the time, the Lord was still there, protecting and guiding me.

I am close with a woman who has miscarried more than a dozen times because of radiation poisoning, and each loss was the same, a death that must be borne and grieved, many times in silence and loneliness. This woman stopped telling others when she suffered another loss, because she saw the look on their faces: “Why don’t you just get over it?” or worse “Why don’t you just stop trying?”

Our culture makes it even harder to mourn unborn children because of the enshrined lie: The child you carry isn’t even a baby, it’s a “clump of cells.” Aren’t we all? Those of us who have suffered a loss know the truth, for how can you hurt so much for nothing? It is not a trimmed fingernail; it is your child. Each little child, no matter the stage of development, is a precious, God-given life who carries his or her own unique DNA, a combined gift from both parents and God.

My Aunt Faith mourned her lack of a child every Mother’s Day, every baby shower, every first day of school, and sometimes even when the school bus went by. She found some comfort in becoming a school teacher, then a nanny; and at home, she collected baby dolls, which “slept” in cradles. In her old age, she would frequently carry a doll in her arms as she moved around the house, taking great pains to name each one in full, and then record the names on paper.

“If I had a girl,” she would muse, “I would name her Samantha Lovejoy Herrington. Isn’t that a lovely name?” Spending time picking out names seemed to ease her longing, and I remember how as I sat by her bed while she lay dying, she had a pencil and a piece of paper in her hands. Even then, she was a little bit joyful, whispering name combinations to herself, then writing the good ones down so she wouldn’t forget.

Grief does not pass away in time. That I know is true. In my times of grief, I have found relief only when I take some action. The problem is that sometimes I didn’t know what action to take. Writing a letter to the one you have lost can help, but it is better to interact with the living.

They say that when your child is a certain age, you relive what it was like for you to live through that same time. I felt a little of that this week while I was preparing a gift for a young friend of mine. Her mother had let me know that she would be turning 13 on Mother’s Day, and she asked if I would write her a letter of encouragement. She planned to collect more letters and put them in a book as a present for her daughter’s special day.

Of course, I was honored to write a letter! But as I wrote, I experienced that phenomenon of reliving my own experiences at 13. It was a struggle to know what to say, and I had several false starts; it took longer than I expected because I had to deal with some of my own stuff in the process.

But then it hit me: This is one of the things I would have gone through if I had had a daughter. I let that sink in for a moment, and then I began to see all the ways that God had gifted me with past opportunities to spend time with girls who needed a mother figure in their lives.

There were early times of babysitting, working in a daycare, working as a model for young hairdressers who were practicing their skills. I remembered how my mom started a “Treehouse Club” for tween boys, but had nothing to offer their sisters, so I started a companion club at the same time, called “The Wildflowers.”

It was like a girl scout experience, with matching t-shirts, walks in the woods, camping once in a while, crafts and lessons, and lots of fun making food and eating together. One Saturday morning we made donuts! The girls ranged in age from 7 to 13, and I experienced all the drama of being a part-time “mom” to them for several years.

Later, God gave me younger co-workers to mentor, but it was only this week that I realized that that He had gifted me, in His tremendous compassion, all of those experiences in order to fill that hole in my heart. And at the same time, it comforted the girls to have a mother figure. My husband, Jim, always says that “God is very efficient,” and it’s true.

There is always a flip side to every situation. Every “yes” says “no” to something else, and vice versa, every “no” opens to door to opportunities or experiences which would not have existed otherwise. If you are struggling with loss in your life, consider that God has made way for something better. Using your pain as motivation is a great way to relieve the loss and find joy in life.

Many children are in dire need of mentors, these days. Every single child needs protection! If you prayerfully offer up your pain to God, he will heal you and give you a much better use for your emotional energy.

If you are mourning a child, you could be a volunteer listener to the children who are learning to read; you could take an interest in the lives of the neighbor’s children. You could use your talent in a way that benefits kids, by making products they need, like sewing blankets for Project Linus, or knitting newborn hats for babies. (Project Linus.org is a charity that provides handmade blankets for children who are in the hospital.)

If you are missing your mom, consider adopting a widow. There are plenty of older women who are living alone and would love some interaction with one person or even a whole family. Some of them may not have children of their own, and so if you reach out to them, you may meet lots of needs all at once.

And while we are on a nearby subject, don’t forget the widowers! Our elders need respect and care, and if your dear ones have passed, consider finding someone else’s dear one to love for a while. There are probably hundreds of different things that you can do which will ease your grief (and theirs) if you allow it.

Pets can also be a wonderful way to add some love into your life. My dad got a cat after my mom died, and while an animal can’t take the place of a beloved human being, it comforted him to hold his cat while he watched TV. Just holding and petting an animal can be therapeutic, and even physically, it can lower your blood pressure and relieve stress.

My mind goes back to a story I heard in the last few years of a mother from Denver, named Sharletta Evans, whose three-year-old son was killed by a stray bullet. The shooter, Raymond Johnson, was sent to prison for life–at the age of 15–as a result. Sharletta went to visit Raymond in prison when he was 33, to tell him she forgave him. When she heard his story, and found he had little or no parental involvement in his life, she was moved with compassion, and accepted him as her son. Her forgiveness comforted both of them, and what was meant for evil became good. As Jim likes to say, “God is very efficient.”

Some may have a very troubled relationship with their mother, be she alive or dead Mother’s Day can bring up painful memories, or can create an opportunity for more conflict to occur. If this is you, remember that while you can’t control the other person, you can control yourself. Be the person you know you should be, even if the other person doesn’t cooperate. In any case, God can fill that parent-shaped hole, and give you peace deep in your heart. You can begin the process of healing this year.

Divorce is another kind of loss that affects us on Mother’s Day. So many are suffering in the wake of a broken home, and though it is not the same as a death, in that the one you are missing is still alive, but it can be the death of connection. If you don’t want that, don’t let it happen (respectfully).

Even though a marriage may be dissolved in the eyes of the state, we can still love. We can love even if the other person refuses to love us back. There is comfort in just admitting your love, if only to yourself. But if there is any way you can do it, tell the person you love that you love them. It makes all the difference in the world. It’s OK if you think they won’t believe you; wouldn’t you love to hear someone tell you that you are loved?

I have learned so much from watching how healthy, loving people interact with each other. Seek those experiences, and “imprint” on them. Ask God to help you and you will become the fertile soil in which His good qualities can bloom: Kindness, gentleness, patience, joy, love, and peace. Just fostering peace, for example, in your own life, can change the lives of those around you.

If you have an “empty seat” in your home this Mother’s Day, I offer you condolences. I understand how much it hurts, and I pray that everyone who reads this will know that God cares, and many people around you do care, as well. Maybe they just don’t know how much you are suffering. Or maybe they don’t know how to show you they care.

I urge you to trust the Lord with the burden of your pain. He hates to see you suffer because He loves you even more than you love yourself. Psalms 56:8 tells us that he “collects our tears in a bottle” and writes the cause of them down in his book. God will always bring healing if we will just let it go (stop trying to heal it ourselves) and trust Him.

You may think, “But God didn’t plan this. This thing that is hurting me is caused by evil against His will.” But God is not like us. He sees the end from the beginning, and he knew what was going to happen before it happened. He has a plan for you, to heal you and to use you to help someone else. If you, like so many, are experiencing grief and turmoil this Mother’s Day, just turn around and run to Him. Bury your face in his robe as you kneel at His feet, and He will lift you up and heal you.

The Lord is close to them that are of a broken heart: and saves those of a contrite spirit. Psalms 34:18