Authentic

It's OK--touch me again; 
I want to remember your fingers. 
You don't have to be careful; 
I know you won't hurt on purpose.
A scratch will only prove I'm real all the way through. 
Every abrasion makes me smoother, and wears old wounds away. 
I am not afraid. Reach out, touch me. 
My beauty isn't shiny, but neither is it only skin deep.

As a kid, I always wanted to save or rescue everything. I preferred my clothes to be secondhand. I loved the look of wrinkled skin, and so I loved older people. It wasn’t the past that I loved, it was the honest way things present when they are worn.

I wrote the poem above many years ago, when I was finally able to understand what I was reacting to: Hypocrisy, pretension, and fakery. I saw a lot of it; but instead of criticizing, I wanted to show what NOT being a hypocrite meant to me. I saw that confidence comes from being authentic, and that confidence helps overcome the fear of a close relationship. When you aren’t pretending or being defensive, there is joy in closeness and intimacy.

Confidence in a friendship comes from building a history together, a history based on mutual love and forgiveness. For if you are close to another person for very long, you will hurt them in one way or another, and they will hurt you. Every long-term connection requires forgiveness. And forgiveness is like sanding off each other’s rough spots.

I love old wood, and old wood carvings. There is no substitute for the “look” of the passage of time, or for the way the wood finish becomes saturated with bits of the environment, and with the oil from someone’s fingertips. The patina created that way is unmistakable.

I can’t get used to the materials made from mixed sawdust and glue, laminated in plastic, and then fastened into the shape of furniture. I don’t mind the fabrication, just the pretension. It’s made to look like solid wood, but it’s light. It’s easily broken. And no matter how good it looks, it will never be convincing when it is used. The edge will chip, or the fasteners will break off, or the plastic surface will be scratched. One blemish, and the whole illusion is blown.

Nobody really likes a fake, but sometimes that’s all we think we can afford. And when it comes to authenticity in relationships, it works the same way. The “currency” of friendship is love. If you do not invest much into your friendship, it may not be authentic. We are surrounded by real-seeming relationships and are often fooled. But tough times, which will always come, bring out the true character.

Real friendships must develop. But the growth factor isn’t always time; rather it’s the stressful or uncomfortable experiences that you walk through together. Trust develops when you are in a vulnerable position, and your friend covers you, protects you, and comforts you.

But trust can also be destroyed in an instant by a thoughtless betrayal–unless, that is, you cover your friend when they make the mistake, and cover their sin with forgiveness. If we react with positivity when someone hurts us, that act can become the transformational thing that begins the development of a true friendship. The “gash” you suffered exposed the depth of your loyalty (love), and afterward your friend will be more free to respond to you the same way. It’s easier to forgive in the future when you have a history of forgiveness behind you.

We careen around this world, like a bull in a china shop (forgive the cliche). We can be reckless. Our minds are filled with our own emotion, and we see everything from our own perspective. It’s hard to see through our own selves and be able to look at the ones around us. So if we stay there, we are stuck with a very limited, selfish viewpoint.

We need to be lifted up, so that we can see the big picture. God can help us with this, by giving us insights and wisdom into our relationships, when we ask. We have the chance, when we suffer, to develop empathy. Our own negative experiences can be redeemed by God, and bear the fruit of knowledge. We will then know how to help another who is suffering, because we understand them.

Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8 NLT)

Our friends are meant to help us in our walk with the Lord, and we are meant to help them. We are responsible to help them. When you find an authentic friend, cherish them. Do they forgive you? Do they cover your mistakes so that you don’t look bad in front of others? Do they give you grace (when you’re late, or grumpy, or short with them)? Do they pray for you?

On the other hand, do they also celebrate with you when things go well? If they cheer you on and celebrate with you, then that person really loves you. By their actions, they show that they are happy simply because you are happy. Don’t be careless with them, for they are irreplaceable. Cherish them.

Can you imagine Jesus as a friend? That’s what He calls us. But He is the most powerful Friend there is, and we must never forget who He is and presume on that friendship.

“There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn’t confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me.” (John 15:13 – 15 NLT)

Jesus laid down his life for his disciples, and for us, and for the whole world. And so His request, that we obey His commands, is not a burden; it is a joy for us to be able to do something for Him. When we put our own ideas and goals aside and obey what God asks us to do, that is how we lay down our lives for Jesus.

Friendship is like a set of balancing scales. Sometimes one side is loaded down, and when that happens, the other side goes up. The scales are always in motion as they are used. They pause to determine the balance, then they move again. The main time a set of scales is perfectly even is when it is not in use. Friendships are not usually “even.” But over time, it balances out. There is “give and take,” but not record-keeping, for a mercenary spirit destroys love.

“It [Love] does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.” (1 Corinthians 13:5 NLT)

So many have been damaged in their walk with the Lord because they have been hurt by a Christian brother or sister. In the same way a good friend reminds us of how much God loves us, a fickle friend can cause us to doubt the truth. If a person is very vocal about religion, yet acts with rage toward others, or betrays a precious trust, then it is tempting to wonder if God is false, as well.

But this is a deception.

Our enemy loves to watch for those who have been hurt, pushed aside, or cut off, because he can hunt them the way a lion picks off the weak antelopes from the herd. And he does it by fooling us, by feeding our anger and by stoking the memory of our humiliation.

But God is still the same no matter how any man or woman acts. He does not change. His love doesn’t change, and neither does His grace and compassion. If you have been hurt, walk away from the pain a person caused you by taking solace in God. He will defend you, for he will always be there for one who has been wronged.

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” (Psalm 34:18 NLT)

“The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, because the LORD has anointed Me. . .to comfort all who mourn. . .to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness. So that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.” (Isaiah 61: 1-3 )

God is still good, and loves you just as much as He did before you were hurt. He will not let you be destroyed, especially by a person who claims to follow Him. In fact, a person with a cruel heart, or one who delights in dominating others proves by their actions that they are not of God. Their true self is revealed by their behavior.

“If someone says, “I love God,” but hates a fellow believer, that person is a liar; for if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see? And he has given us this command: Those who love God must also love their fellow believers.” (1 John 4:20 – 21 NLT)

“Dear children, don’t let anyone deceive you about this: When people do what is right, it shows that they are righteous, even as Christ is righteous. So now we can tell who are children of God and who are children of the devil. Anyone who does not live righteously and does not love other believers does not belong to God.” (1 John 3:7a, 10 NLT)

If you are a follower of Jesus, can you remember hurting someone? Do you have an uncomfortable memory resurfacing as you read those words? Are you the the reason someone else stopped going to church, or even worse, stopped calling themselves a follower of the Lord?

Oh dear friends, don’t make excuses for your own behavior. We will have to account for every part of our lives before Jesus, who bought us with his blood. Every idle word will be brought up before Him, and we will have to explain. It is hard to humble ourselves and confess when we were wrong; and it’s harder yet to face someone else’s anger and bitterness, especially if the offense was a deep wound. But if we take care of it here, we won’t have to be ashamed of it later, before our Lord.

If you follow Jesus, then you are held to One perfect standard, and that standard does not change based on what someone else does. We are called to be perfect in the way we treat others, even if that other person hurt us first; in fact, we are especially called to love our enemies, for only a person who is filled with the Spirit of God has the ability to do that. Loving those who hurt us is the perfection God requires of us; He fills us with the power to do it, and our love, given under trying circumstances, is evidence that we are His children. For God does the same thing when He loves us.

“For when we were yet sinners (in open rebellion against God), Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8) He died for us even before we sinned, knowing we were going to sin. He planned to save us, out of the depths of His overwhelming love for us. And if we are His, if we are really following Jesus, then we will do the same thing. That is what it means when Jesus tells us to be perfect, as God is perfect. (Matthew 5:48)

The Lord will bring things to our minds when we need to take action; this bringing to mind is called being convicted of sin, and is a sign of God’s love. If we are not convicted of sin, we will rest in our own justification, not even understanding that we have walked away from God. How terrible to think we are safe, but be lost without Him! And we are prone to do that, prone to wander, the old hymn says.

"Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it.
Prone to leave the God I love.
Take my heart, O, take and seal it,
Seal it for thy courts above."

That is why King David wrote, “Search me, O God, to see if there is any wicked way in me.” (Psalm 139:23 – 24) For we can’t repent if we do not realize that we have sinned! And we fool ourselves. But remember that Jesus is the “good shepherd, who gives his life for the sheep.” (John 10:11) He will guard us and bring us back when we have strayed.

When we act in obedience to God’s prompting to make things right, He will help us. Pray before you act and ask Him to mediate. He can prepare the other person’s heart so that they will accept what you say. Or maybe He needs to prepare yours. Either way, we are in this for the “long game.” Never give up on making things right. Never give up on your friend. Our love for each other is proof we belong to God.

We can never compare our attempts to love to the overwhelming love Jesus demonstrates toward us, but it is useful to remind ourselves what the goal is. A tried-and true, authentic friend reminds us how we ought to act when our hearts are changed so that we become perfect in love, loving others the way God loves us. (Matthew 5:48; Ephesians 5:2)

There is no weapon formed that can defeat love. “Love never fails,” Paul wrote. (I Corinthians 13:8) “Love is as strong as death,” King Solomon wrote. “Many waters cannot quench love, nor can rivers drown it. If a man tried to buy love with all his wealth, his offer would be utterly scorned.“ (Song of Solomon 8:6-7)

May your friendships be inspired by the love of Jesus, and may you find good friends, and be authentic friends to those already in your life. Your love, if it flows from God, has the power of God to transform darkness into light, and even death into life! May God’s love and His Holy Spirit empower you to be authentically His, and to love those in your life with sincerity!