In the picture above, from left: Velcro (Confetti’s mama); a pufflet; black kitten with the diamond; Confetti, watching her mama; and Blue trying to play with Confetti.
A little while ago I wrote about our little multi-colored kitten, whom we call “Confetti.” She is still stand-offish, and yes, she is still hissing. Just as before, she looks to me for food, but Beau noticed that now she “smiles.” (If you know cats/kittens at all, you’ll be able to recognize it when they smile: It’s a sort of half-closing of the eyes along with a lift of the chin.)
Despite this progress, she does not allow herself to be cuddled.
We have a lot of kittens around here, and there are never enough loving hands to go around for all of the little backs that arch up to be petted. But when I think of Confetti all alone, she tugs at my heartstrings.
This morning, as I went out to feed them, I noticed that Confetti was watching me, waiting for food. I put some in a little pile for her away from the others, and when I went away, she came and ate. I stood there and moderated for a while, making sure everyone got some.
When they finished, one of the “pufflets,” which is what Beau calls the “twins,” was rubbing against my leg, wanting to be picked up. I held her and petted her, then put her down and picked up the little black one with the diamond on her chest and gave her a quick hug and a pet, then put her down and picked up . . .you get the idea. They all must have some attention!
When I began petting one of the others, Confetti arched her back, stretching for an imaginary hand above her. She was smiling, and her whole posture communicated how she longed for attention.
I called out to her, and she smiled, but then shrank back behind the fence, running away. Life is pretty tough for a stray cat without a sponsor, and I hope she doesn’t end up like that. I know she is afraid, hence the hissing. She’s just really shy and afraid. And lonely.
I thought about why she wouldn’t come up to eat with the others. So many of her problems would be solved if she just tried a little bit to connect, to interact, to receive what I, and the cats, obviously want to give her.
It’s hard to trust, isn’t it? Some of us have wonderful loving parents who taught us and prepared us for life. But some of us didn’t. And when you don’t have someone to help you take the first step, you can languish.
I first became interested in the word “languish” when we got a new set of knives, and they came with this warning: “Do not allow them to languish in the dishwater.” It sounds as if they really want to “languish” in dishwater, but you must not let them do it! For their own good!
So what does it mean to “languish,” and what does all of this have to do with Confetti?
Languish is an English word that comes ultimately from the Latin, languere, which means “to be faint or weary.” The meaning hasn’t changed much in hundreds of years, because today it means 1) to lose vigor or vitality; to fail in health; become weak; droop,” 2) “to live in unfavorable or dispiriting conditions; to continue in a state of suffering.”
I’m not sure it’s an accurate word to use in writing about knives (although it really communicates the point to not leave them in the dishwater too long), but sadly, the second meaning does describe Confetti.
“Dispiriting” actually means to lose your spirit. So to live in “dispiriting conditions” and to “continue in a state of suffering” implies that you lose hope.
Confetti is languishing. Why? Because she had a selfish mama who rejected her (along with the rest of her kittens.) She was rejected by the one who was most important to her, and became “dispirited.”
Confetti is trying to cope with what happened to her. Sweetie stepped in and nursed all of the kittens, but Confetti was the only one who languished. All the other kittens let their real mom go, and “re-parented” onto Sweetie, who is everyone’s mom now. Everyone except for Confetti.
Confetti is trying the bootstrap method. She is trying to help herself using only what she has on hand; but how can it work, when she has with such limited resources? She doesn’t know how to hunt, or how to find water by herself. She is too afraid to leave. She is stuck.
Have you ever tried to grab the loops at the top of your own boot to pull yourself up? You can’t. The whole idea of bootstrapping is dishonest, because it denies the truth that we need others. We need training, We need resources. And all of those things come from outside of ourselves.
When someone whispers that we need to reach deep inside ourselves to meet our own needs, that’s a lie we want to believe. After all, if we can just provide for ourselves, or somehow be satisfied with “less,” then we won’t have to admit our dependence. But that’s bootstrapping.
If we had the answer within ourselves, then we would just fix things, wouldn’t we? We need help! And we can keep “looking for love in all the wrong places,” switching from one unreliable source to another, buying time the way a trapeze artist does when transferring from one swing to another; but eventually, even circus performers have to land on something solid.
We all face suffering, and betrayal, and rejection. The difference between those who thrive and those who languish is where they put their trust.
Don’t put your trust in yourself, with the idea that somehow it’s a safe place. Consider the fact that we let ourselves down more than anyone else ever has! We are hardest on ourselves. We betray ourselves. So if you are looking to yourself to find someone who will be kind to you, you are looking in the wrong place. Almost anyone else will be kinder.
One reason for this is because when we have suffered rejection or betrayal, deep inside, we blame ourselves. If I was prettier, they wouldn’t have cheated on me, we think. If I was thinner, or smarter, or more talented, I wouldn’t have gotten fired. Fill in the blank; we will throw it at ourselves. And when we look at the addictions, and suicides and self-inflicted problems in our society, the self-hatred becomes obvious.
Until we receive the love of God in our hearts, we can’t even properly love ourselves.
Confetti settles for survival because she doesn’t hope for love. She tells herself she can do without, but she is not at peace. She is still dependent, she is lonely, and she craves affection. What separates her from the other kittens, is that they stopped depending on their mom and trusted Sweetie, then learned from Sweetie that they could trust me.
In the same way, our efforts to relieve the suffering of others can show the way to God, Who is Love.
We are physical, and we live in this material world, so material things offer concrete help. But the spiritual world is just underneath, influencing everything. Dark and light, both sides are here with us. All the painful, evil things in this world have already been answered by love. Love heals, love forgives, and love protects. And one day, when every person who can be pulled out of the muck is rescued, Love will cleanse this world of all evil.
We all need love. It is more vital than food. The Spirit that gave us life IS love. Love makes life worth living. Love motivates us, inspires us, gives us courage, provides meaning. And the only way to recover from the loss of love is to find an even greater love.
Confetti was born into an unfair situation. It wasn’t her fault that her mother rejected her. But now she has a choice. She can believe that she is worthy of love and decide to trust. It’s an act of the will. And once she stops looking after the one who will just betray her again, and instead finds someone worthy, she will be fixed. It’s easy to let the loss of a lesser thing go when we discover the greater thing.
If you are suffering from rejection and trust issues, please understand you are not the only one, nor the worst, despite what you feel. Many people have suffered in profound ways that they conceal. Those who suffer the worst don’t talk about it at all; they don’t even want to think about it, but sometimes they can’t help it. If you are pinning your hopes on someone else, waiting for that person to change, and giving them the only key to fix things in your life, then you will languish (like Confetti, who still looks to her mama.)
But you don’t have to languish! The one who hurt you doesn’t have the key to repair you, anymore than a little boy who breaks a window has the ability to fix it. Turn your eyes toward God, who made you and can heal you: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Once you trust Him, He actually comes into your heart and changes it, softening it so that you will be able to give and receive love. (Ezekiel 36:26) He renews our minds and transforms us (Romans 12:2). His Spirit, which gave us life in the first place, renews us, empowers us and gives us the resources we have gone without for so long. (Philippians 4:19)
And once you are whole again, and you have found access to His strength and joy, those other relationships are more likely to find healing as well. Things look a lot different when our needs have been met, and we aren’t desperate.
And about Confetti? True love thinks about what the beloved wants, and she wants independence. And so, I express my love for her by respecting her and supporting her life. I won’t force her to comply because love works differently. And who knows? Maybe she will gain the courage to trust me when I consistently meet her needs.
“The Lord hath appeared to me of old, saying, “Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: Therefore, with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.” (Jeremiah 31:3)
The Fullers Four 